Redefined by Christ: From Harley to Carmen

I once lived by my own will, navigating the world with my own understanding, believing I was close to God while drowning in sin. I thought He didn’t mind my choices—that my self-destruction and the hurt I caused others didn’t grieve Him. I was blind to my own darkness. Like Paul said, I was among the worst of sinners—I had done it all.

My hands were stained red, my lips tainted with venom from lies and deceit. I sought power in the wrong places, embraced idolatry, and chased after pride, trying to prove myself above others. My heart was a battlefield of rage and bitterness, yet I walked as if I was untouchable, convinced that I was in control. And still, in my arrogance, I believed I was in good standing with God.

I could relate to Harley Quinn— that DC character who masked her pain with chaos and rebellion. I found so many parallels between her story and mine that I even inked the red-and-black diamond tattoo on my wrist, a mark of the identity I had embraced, fitting for the role of the "Queen of Chaos." Like her, I was trapped in toxic relationships, mistaking lust for love, manipulation for power, and destruction for freedom.

I took pride in being the girl who didn’t need saving, the one who could charm, deceive, and twist situations to her advantage. I was both a people-pleaser and a master manipulator, bending and breaking myself for the sake of acceptance while secretly using others to achieve my own desires. I didn’t just live in chaos—I thrived in it.

When the Noise Stopped, God Spoke

Then came the pandemic—a season of stillness, where time itself seemed to slow down. The world was in chaos, but my own storm was getting silenced. It was in this solitude that God began to call me, stripping away the distractions, the justifications, the illusions.

As I began to seek Him, I saw signs of His love that I had ignored before. His Word became my refuge, and the more I read, the more I realized how far I had strayed. I wasn’t just “a little lost.” I was completely blind, drowning in my own destruction, running straight toward death while thinking I was free.

Then, one night, He came to me in a dream. With a voice that shook my soul yet wrapped me in peace, He declared, "I am your God, and you will witness My power."

I woke up trembling, but something had shifted inside me. I was finally ready to see.

Love That Doesn’t Demand Performance

God did not force me into transformation. He patiently waited, like a gentle shepherd calling a lost sheep. He didn’t shame me or condemn me, but He showed me the truth: His ways are higher, His commands are not burdens but expressions of love.

He showed me that true freedom isn’t in rebellion, but in surrendering to His perfect will. He convinced my heart that His love surpasses all—no human love, no earthly affection could ever compare. The sum of all love in the world could not equate to His love for me.

I realized I didn’t need to manipulate or seek validation from people who would fade from eternity. I was already chosen, already known, already deeply loved by the One who matters most.

A New Identity: From Harley to Carmen

This transformation began in my mind and heart, then reflected in my actions, my words, my very being.

The spirit of vengeance turned into a spirit of forgiveness. The desire for power became a hunger for modesty, as I am already the daughter of the Most High God; He is all-powerful. The voice that once spoke lies now speaks truth. I no longer need to pretend; my true identity in Christ is enough. And the heart that was once bound in chains is now free in Christ.

I no longer need to prove myself. I no longer need to break myself for others. I no longer need to wear the mask of Harley Quinn, because God calls me by my name.

I am Carmen—a daughter of the Most High, no longer bound by sin, no longer caught in harmful patterns, no longer defined by my past. The diamond tattoo on my wrist, once my emblem as the self-proclaimed 'Queen of Chaos,' represented the rebellion, the pain, and the reckless freedom I believed I had found in my own downfall. Yet God, in His boundless love, did not abandon me there.

He transformed my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. He replaced my need for validation with security in Him. The diamond remains, but now it serves as a reminder of His power to transform even the most broken hearts into vessels of His grace. He took the crown of chaos and replaced it with the identity of His daughter—redeemed, restored, and redefined.

I was lost, but He found me. I was blind, but now I see. I was Harley, but now I am His.

To Him be all the glory.

Love,

Carmen